THIS WAS A REAL EYE-OPENER
I can see clearly now . . .
Smile? Of course I know how to smile. Smiling is a basic facial expression of human beings. People smile dozens of times a day without even thinking. And I am someone who smiles on a regular basis.
Oh, you mean smile right now? For the camera? Uh, sure, no problem! Just give me a minute to get into the right pose. What kind of smile are we going for here? Like, did someone tell a joke that’s kind of dumb, but I’m trying to be polite? Or am I a minimum wage worker who’s really excited to welcome the next person in line to this two-by-twice sandwich shop? Or is this a gesture of peace in the dark ages, where I’m a Saxon warrior approaching a rival Frankish tribe and want to show there are no hidden weapons between my teeth? A little direction on this whole smiling thing would help. I don’t want to overdo it and look like a serial killer. Or underdo it and look like a serial killer.
On second-thought, what’s supposed to happen with my eyes during a smile? Do I open them superwide? Or scrunch them up so you can see crow’s feet? Should it be subtle, like a hatchling crow poking its foot out of an eggshell? Or are we thinking extra-squinty, like a whole murder of crows was afoot in the visual field? Sorry—I didn’t mean murder! I’m trying to flash a killer smile here, but I never even murdered anyone. I almost never think about murder.
OK, I’ve got it this time. I’ll purse my lips together, hike them up towards my nose like high-waisted suspenders, and tilt my head back, so my face is about 60 percent chin. Am I doing a smile correctly? Does that look normal? It does? Great! I’ll hold my expression just like this.
Holding.
Have you taken the photo yet?
Still holding.
Any chance you could take the picture sometime soon? My cheeks are going numb. My teeth are chattering from being clenched so tight. And I’m about to pass out from holding my breath.
You get it? Awesome! Let me just massage my jaw to get the blood flowing to my face again.
Phew, that was a rough start, but I think I managed a decent take of this social cue that babies usually master by the age of eight weeks. Can I see how the photo turned out?
. . . OMG, my eyes are closed!
Asking me “Why did you blink?” is a little like asking a serial killer “How did you not even blink?” The question might be futile. Blinking, of course, is just winking involuntarily (as when roused from sleep or dazzled by strong light). It could occur physically, repeatedly or rapidly, even habitually, and uncertainly with surprise. I mean, a statistician might blink at the methods though the results seem reasonable. Compare the above image of me with my mom’s photo shown in the sequence on the left side hereof.
Speak of the devil, we were just talking about me blinking, and here you can’t unsee it. Seems like a photogenic limitation. Hold on a sec. I see a work-around.
